I shall diminish, and go to the west.
Or close to that, I’m too lazy to look it up. No, let’s be precise, I’m too depressed. The razors edge of intellect is a dull foggy thing these days. I hope it can come back.
I was reading June Jordan’s “Poem about my rights”. I’ve been reading lots of feminist literature lately. But all it does is depress me further.
I utterly, utterly failed with my girls. Because I was too frightened to leave, and so caved to the misogyny of their father. Ironically, he has really grown- he is not that man. But he was- oh he was. And I allowed a backpedaling hiding balance on this fence post that will split you kind of feminism.
So they fit in.
So the relatives don’t freak out.
So they are normal- I mean Jesus you already didn’t change your name…
I played by all the rules, and did all the things- hell, I even “kept my figure”. And all this kowtowing to the patriarchy got me…screwed by it.
I say he has changed but that is ridiculous. He buys sex from exploited women. Only his lip service has changed- he was never who said he was. Who he says he is. Who he thinks he is.
But I’m tired. I want the righteous anger and to fight against this oppressive system I just seamlessly joined. I just…can’t.
I want to run away from it all. Be in a country that isn’t my shitshow of a country, but I am not a part of. Be removed from those systems and the care and attention and worry and activism. Just sigh and walk away.
Diminish and go west.